Flatline

My moods fluctuate with such force that sometimes even I don't see it coming. It's like being hit by an express train. I plummet so far down I feel like there's no way back up. I see no point in anything. I feel like parts of me have flatlined.

Thing is, I could feel differently in an hour. Two hours. Later today, tomorrow. Someone else's good news is a slap to the face, then I'm full of guilt.

 I feel the signs over the coming days, sometimes they're easy to ignore. Other times not. I have a low threshold for emotional pain. The world can feel empty sometimes and devoid of love.  A part about of me knows it isn't, but today it feels as if it is.

It's selfish I know, a selfish, self indulgent wallowing in misery. I despise myself and it. There's no fun in feeling like this, in feeling like I could punch my head into a wall till it bleeds.

I want to be alone, I want someone near - I want to be here, I want to be outside.

Who knows I could be really cheerful in an hour.

from In Memoriam, Tennyson

Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,
The flying cloud, the frosty light:
The year is dying in the night;
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow;
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.

Ring out the grief that saps the mind,
For those that here we see no more;
Ring out the feud of rich and poor,
Ring in redress to all mankind.

Ring out a slowly dying cause,
And ancient forms of party strife;
Ring in the nobler modes of life,
with sweeter manners, purer laws.

Ring out the want, the care, the sin,
The faithless coldness of the times;
Ring out, ring out my mournful rhymes,
But ring the fuller minstrel in.

Ring out false pride in place and blood,
The civic slander and the spite;
Ring in the love of truth and right,
Ring in the common love of good.

Ring out old shapes of foul disease;
Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;
Ring out the thousand wars of old,
Ring in the thousand years of peace.

Ring in the valiant man and free,
The larger heart, the kindlier hand;
Ring out the darkness of the land,
Ring in the Christ that is to be.

Alfred, Lord Tennyson