We're never really self-sufficient, no matter how much we try and shut the world out

Testament of Youth, Vera Brittain. 1933

" ......I have had to learn again and again the terrible truth of George Eliot's words about the invasion of personal preoccupations by the larger destinations of mankind, and at last to recognise that no life is really private, or isolated, or self-sufficient. People's lives were entirely their own, perhaps - and more justifiably - when the world seemed enormous, and all it's comings and goings were slow and deliberate. But this is so no longer, and never will be again, since man's inventions have eliminated so much of distance and time ; for better, for worse, we are now each of us part of the surge and swell of great economic and political movements and whatever we do, as individuals or as nations, deeply affects everyone else."

But it's true, isn't it??

Escaping the hamster wheel

Sometimes you feel like you've made an escape from the rat race, the oneupmanship and the constant put downs, only sometimes, you feel like you're being pulled right back in....

It takes tremendous courage to just walk away....

But when you do, it feels like you've just stepped away from a cliff edge. And it's such a relief.

If I could be anyone it would be Veronica Lake......

Veronica Lake - the ultimate femme fatale

November 14, 1922 – July 7, 1973

From one anxiety sufferer to another......

"Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic."

Anais Nin

Anxiety works in strange and insidious ways. Over the years it's made me a coward, a procastinator, a hero, a persistent worrier and an emotional wreck. I'm not always sure how I'll react to any given situation, until I'm almost in it.

The difference between now and years gone by is that I now recognise it for what it is, I can try and rationalise it, talk sense to my anxious brain, make myself breathe a certain way. It doesn't always work, but I consider it a small triumph that I'm prepared to acknowledge it's existence at all.

I've even sought a cure over the years, CBT, medication, hypnosis (in the comfort of my own bedroom) and now I'm trying meditation out. I'm sceptical about the latter, as I've not always been a great fan of meditation and I'm unsure as to whether it'll work, but it's early days.

 "Surrealist" on Flickr

I suffer with the odd bout of depression and I have IBS, which are all intrinsically linked to each other like a chain of worry beads. It would be easy to divorce the world and stay indoors where nothing can hurt you, but doing that is to give in, to give in to your own demons. Once they have their fingers round your throat, it's game over.

I've always been reluctant to discuss it, or to hear my own voice say it, I always fear that once people know, you're labelled for life and defined by it, by well meaning people who seek to either protect you from what they think you might fear, or protect themselves from what they fear will be your gross over reaction to any given situation, and whether they'll be able to handle it.

Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity. Really, is it???

T. S. Eliot

 Stanley Meltzoff

I always think that anxiety not only makes cowards of ourselves, but cowards of others, who are confounded and fearful of anything that might come under the umbrella of "mental illness."

I also think sometimes, that there are others who suffer from the same anxiety issues, but are in denial, and another anxious person might trigger an attack which they are loathe to acknowledge.

How many people are there out there who suffer with anxiety issues? How many carry their secret fears and worries around like an invisible extra weight?

Depression is slowly being accepted as an illness to be treated seriously and discussed by the great and good, but how long will it be before we all sit and talk about social/general anxiety without trivialising it, the new plague of the 21st century?

Or is it better to keep it hidden?

And is anxiety a better way of coping, in some twisted way, are we who suffer with anxiety, a step ahead of everyone else, the least likely to die in a plane crash?

Probably not, because the majority of the things an anxiety sufferer fears are groundless.

Therefore we must attack it with laughter, never funny in the moment you're in it, but worthy of much laughter after the event.

"Comedy is defiance. It's a snort of contempt in the face of fear and anxiety. And it's the laughter that allows hope to creep back on the inhale."

Will Durst

If you suffer from anxiety issues, I'd love to hear from you. And any cures or treatments that have helped, I'd love to hear about that too.

And we can at least laugh about it amongst ourselves.....

Reading Round-up 2014

So it's a new year and a new reading list…of sorts. I've tried hard not to make any New Year’s resolutions, however I am going to up the ante on my reading consumption.  

Before I count up a year’s reading for 2014, here's a rundown of what I read in the latter half of 2014.

From September onwards:

The Listener/Tove Jansson

The Unbearable Lightness of Being/Milan Kundera

Radical/ Maajid Nawaz

Vivienne Westwood/Ian Kelly & Vivienne Westwood

Fear of Flying/Erica Jong

The Doors of Perception/Heaven & Hell/Aldous Huxley

Night/Elie Wiesel

Steve McQueen/Marc Eliot

My Husband, My Lover/Neile Adams

A Christmas Carol/Charles Dickens

Venus in Furs/ Leopold Von Sacher-Masoch

The Avenue of Regrettable Fairwells/Venus DeMileage

That's 24 books in all for all of 2014 (counting the first 6 months of the year in a previous blog).
That's a rate of 2 books per month. I find I'm a slow reader and can't really work my way up to 1 per week. A realistic goal then I think, keeping in mind all these mitigating factors, is that for the rest of 2015, I shall read 3 per month. Upping the ante to 30 in a year.

I think that's a realistic figure to aim for, and if I can match it or double it, then I'll be happy.

My reading has started well, but starting, typically for me, with a large book (which is another thing that slows down my reading) A Testament of Youth, Vera Brittain. I'm also still trying to read Barry Commoner’s The Closing Circle, Man, Nature & Technology.

I have authors I'd like to either read more of, or read for the first time.

First timers are Neil Gaiman and Francois Sagan. Revisits are Margaret Atwood and some Dickens. I've severely neglected Charles Dickens of late and would value a reawakening of my love of his writing, after a brief visit with A Chrismas Carol during the latter half of December (and after all, what other time of year would you read this?).   

So that's my reading year planned for 2015.

Any recommendations?

Please feel free to plunder my book list,

Until next time, au revoir...