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cordially invites you to a stress free Christmas with:

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From now until 31st December 2015

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Email: pandora.77@hotmail.co.uk

Website: www.taith.net

Personal blog: www.ysbrydion.blogspot.co.uk

Friendly service with rational, sane individual, to provide you with well written content in the run up to Christmas.

Please R.S.V.P. ASAP: 

Books I've read so far this year

I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library.

 Jorge Luis Borges

Six months have passed since the beginning of the year. My New Year's Resolution was to read more and procrastinate less. I succeeded with the first and completely failed with the second. When I say that I succeeded with the first, I mean that it certainly felt like I'd read more, but seen as I'd not recorded what I'd been reading in this way before, it was hard to tell whether I'd read more than I'd done on previous occasions or less.

Nonetheless, my reading list for the past six months is below, keep in mind I'm a slow reader - I like to savour every sentence, often reading them twice if I think they're that good, underlining them, or copying them out. I also have a habit of reading 2 or 3 at the same time, so it takes me longer to finish a book completely.

Please feel free to plunder it if you wish, there's some classics and some new ones. There's always a book I'm desperate to read, or one I'm desperate to finish, so I can start the next one.

Below I've put them in separate lists of read, reading, and finally what I'd like to read next, in essence my "to read" list.

 Oh, there's also a list of "started, but haven't finished yet" Basically those books that get put aside when you're in the middle of reading and you never get round to finishing them off. A terrible habit, but one I shall make every effort to conquer.

For me, books are sources of information and wonder, they are how I make sense of the world. I dog ear them, I write on them and I smell them, stroke them even. I never treat a book like a priceless object, I don't want to miss any essential facts or information, I don't want to forget a thing, I don't want to miss any new words or new ways of seeing things.

 There's never enough time to read all the books you want to read in one lifetime, but I can try.

Books I've read so far

Was Beethoven a Birdwatcher

The Pearl   John Steinbeck

East of Eden John Steinbeck

A Russian Affair Anton Chekhov

God is Not Great Christopher Hitchens

Astragel Albertine Sarrazin

Necropolis: London and its Dead Catherine Arnold

The Moon & Sixpence W. Somerset Maugham

More Pricks than Kicks Samuel Beckett

A Spy Among Friends: Kim Philby and the Great Betrayal Ben Macintyre

Marilyn Norman Mailer

Currently in the middle of reading

The Emperor of All Maladies: A biography of Cancer Siddhartha Mukherjee

Free at Last! Diaries 1991 - 2001 Tony Benn

The Happiness Trap: Based on ACT: A revolutionary mindfulness-based programme for overcoming stress, anxiety and depression

Cupid's Scythe: An Anthology Venus De Mileage

Books  I started but haven't got round to finishing

Naked Lunch William S Burroughs

The Goldfinch Donna Tartt

Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell Susanna Clarke

Books I want to read

Eleanor Marx: A Life Rachel Holmes

The Creativity Question  Albert Rothenberg

The Book of laughter and forgetting Milan Kundera

Metaphor Denis Donoghue

Neverwhere Neil Gaiman

Coming up Trumps: A Memoir Jean Trumpington

Trials of Passion: Crimes in the Name of Love and Madness Lisa Appignanesi

Cook Simple: Effortless cooking every day Diana Henry

So there you have it, my have-read-books, my-nearly-there-books, and my-really-wish-I -had-these books. My live is one long literary adventure, with stories, new words and ideas swimming around in my head like miniature people.

If you'd like me to write your story well, you know where to find me. It can be anything you like, in whichever format you like. A sales letter, a press release, a blog, an article - they all tell their own story.

pandora.77@hotmail.co.uk

Darkness and light

Sometimes, almost always, perhaps most of the time then, I have to consistently remind myself that I'm good, that I can do good things, that sometimes I can make a difference. If I don't, my whole self is wrapped up in a constant state of misery, convinced that I really can't do anything right at all, that I'm stupid, that I am fundamentally flawed - that I'm incapable of receiving and giving love, that I am strange and bad.

I am a hopeless failure, a weirdo.

Too sensitive, too fragile to live. Every slight, every criticism is like a knife wound, every wronged word is burned into my skin. I'm fragile and incompetent, stupid and absurd. Every mistake proves me right. I am constantly at loggerheads with the bad and the good within me, with the bad always winning by a nose, ready to punish, ready to convince me of my inadequacy.

It is a dark hole to fall down for which there is no way out if I fall too far. A barren place where there is no forgiveness and no light. I have consistently fought my way out only to be drawn back in, but I have never allowed myself to go further than the first few steps into this darkness.

I cannot allow myself to be consumed by the negative, overwhelmed by my mistakes. Only focusing on the positive can save me, what little there is. I must believe that I am worth something to the world - that I am worth saving.

I am constantly at war with myself, fighting the darkness within me, a battle which I know I cannot win in the long run, but a fight that I shall win today, a battle I always insist on fighting alone. To walk in the light is to believe in myself once more.

It is a barren, cruel world - that darkness, full of self-pity and deep reflection, a place where old wounds are picked until they fester, and I am at my cruelest, taunting my inner self with my faults and errors, incapable of forgiveness. Sickening, vomit inducing, negative loving narcissism at its worst. Rolling around in the shit of my own personal hell. Bad memories and treasured miseries hang like grinning masks above me, there for me to play, touch and feel with at my leisure.

No compliments can comfort me; no words of kindness can cure me. Demonstrations of affection disgust me, cloying tenderness sickens me, no matter how well intended. I hate myself, and so must you, you must stand alongside me and see the cancer of my soul and despise the badness too, to be repulsed as I am by my own weakness and ineptitude.

You must be able to see this weakness; you must be able to see my talentless inadequacy. You must be able to see it, smell it and feel it and be disgusted by it, for I can feel it in your words and in your eyes.

You stupid effing bitch

To save myself I must see the light, I must see the good, the parts of me that are worth saving, my humour, my candour, my strength and my stamina (of sorts). To climb out of that black hole and gather my strength, for to stay too long in that cavernous opening I'm in danger of being consumed further in. I must seek the light and the strength it brings. I must be in the light and find happiness in the temporary ground I walk in.

Where there is negativity I must find the positive, something solid in the temporary and something good in the bad.

"Nothing is built on stone; all is built on sand, but we must build as if the sand was stone."

Jon Luis Burgers

There now - there's my stomach churning self-pity dealt with for another day.