Make 'em laugh

Today I feel a little low, a rather miserable feeling I can't seem to shake off. But when I feel like this I tell myself that:

 "The show must go on come rain, come shine, come snow, come sleet"

Roland Mouret - make me feel like a woman

I want a Roland Mouret dress more than I want to breathe, for when I wear an RM dress I know I’m going to look amazing. This is pretty spectacular seen as I don’t look that spectacular, I’m small in height and I carry a little extra weight (not much), I’ll never see a size 10 again, not that I’d want to, I love the size and shape of my body, but I’m no Claudia Schiffer. But I believe his dresses were made for women just like me, because they can do what very few other dresses can do – they can make you look far more amazing that you really are.

They’re for hour glass figures – that’s significant, because who anyone over a size 10 has a pretty good chance of being an hour glass. Stretch crepe or stretch jersey, the dresses are made to fit your shape, so much so, that all I want to do is to pour myself into one like wine filling a glass. Geometric shapes and lace panels, block colours and black and white stripes. They’re designed to flatter, enhance and make you look like you were born wearing it straight from the womb, like a second skin.

I have of course been spending a great deal of time on a luxury net a porter website and to be perfectly honest, I may never leave. Naturally I’ll need accessories: a skin tight Jimmy Choo ankle boot or a patent trim leather pump. Minimum accessories, classy make-up, maybe a jacket or a Ender Legard corset to smooth out my hips and push my breasts up. I want to dress like a lady, like a woman on a mission, poised and ready. I may not be a lady, but I can dress like one and feel like one, any time I choose, whenever I like, on my terms not yours.

Find me an RM dress or if you’re feeling generous go over to his website and hand pick me a shape and a colour and let me feel like a woman. In the words of Portishead “All I wanna be is a woman.”

He was born in Lourdes - this is significant - he can perform miracles.

Stormy weather

It seemed appropriate really seen as the weather was stormy and the sky was black as night. The thunder was deep and the lightening was sharp. It was over as soon as it begun, but it was dramatic and atmospheric while it lasted.

Don't know why, there's no sun up in the sky

Stormy weather, since my man and I ain't together

Keeps rainin' all the time

Life is bare, gloom and misery everywhere

Stormy weather, just can't get my poor self together

I'm weary all the time, the time

So weary all the time

When he went away, the blues walked in and met me

If he stays away, old rocking chair will get me

All I do is pray the Lord, above will let me

Walk in the sun once more

Can't go on, all I have in life is gone

Stormy weather, since my man and I ain't together

Keeps rainin' all the time

Keeps rainin' all the time

I walk around, heavy hearted and sad

Night comes around and I'm still feelin' bad

Rain pourin' down, blindin' every hope I had

This pitterin', patterin', beatin' and spatterin' drives me mad

Love, love, love, love, this misery is just too much for me

Can't go on, everything I had is gone

Stormy weather, since my man and I ain't together

Keeps rainin' all the time

Keeps rainin' all the time

Three cheers for endorphins

I went to the gym today, to restore my equilibrium, my sanity and my mood. Towards the end of last week, I felt a terrible darkness, a darkness I hadn’t felt for some time. It was momentary (thankfully) and only lasted a short time. I blamed it on dehydration, and lack of food, but it became evident to me that I hadn’t been to the gym all week as I was so involved with work. I therefore decided that the dark mood was due to lack of exercise. However, it’s hard to judge, because I know my body well enough to know that if I don’t eat or drink properly my mood can sink into my shoes. But when I’ve exercised and I’ve not eaten or drank anything properly, I still feel relatively normal.

I did start to wonder whether I was developing some sort of addiction to exercise. Was exercise a cure or a cause of my low moods? I know that when you exercise your body releases endorphins, which helps with self-esteem, stress and anxiety and I also know that I feel pretty amazing afterwards, so good that I no longer feel sad, miserable, or bereft. If that’s an addiction then I’m happy to live with it. Apparently endorphins trigger a happy and positive feeling that’s similar to morphine so no wonder I may be feeling euphoric right now; I have a high, a high that should last for at least a few days, until I go again.

I can’t abide Pilates or Yoga, too slow, too precious and I’m bored within minutes. I may incorporate some of it into my stretching at the end, but the bit that comes before is CV, free weights and bars. I’m not into looking like a supermodel, but I do want to continue having range of movement, good bone density and a happy heart as I get older.
Endorphins also act as a sedative and an analgesic so hip hip hooray for endorphins. Those lovely little hormones sitting in your brain ready to kick start happiness mode so you can know what it feels like to feel positive again, even when there’s nothing to be positive about. A coping strategy, a saviour, a little bit of natural narcotic joy, free of charge, stored in your brain for when you need it.


The chemical structure of an endorphin - fascinating but so effective

Without it I’m not sure I’d still be here, but it certainly helps, perhaps not with the anxiety – that sometimes needs a little medical help, but depression and low moods are kept at bay by working up a sweat.

I love it. It helps me to feel human and normal and a better version of me that I’m quite happy to share with the world. It’s such a part of my life now, that to live without it would be impossible. I shall be doing it when I’m old, all sinewy and haggard running and chucking weights around. 

iPad oh iPad how I love thee

I have finally succumbed to the cry of the Apple. It has captured me in its technological recipe of cleverness. I swore I would never relent, never give in to the desire for anything "I." Well that doesn't include my little iPod , which is almost prehistoric in comparison to its later incarnations. So what do I think of the iPad Air so far then?

Falling love

I'm only a weekend in, but I'm succumbing slowly to its delights. There are hundreds of apps, many of which are free. Apps that give sound effects, doodle kits, book creators and games, hundreds of games. All easels and books are redundant.

Newsstands

Whatever's your poison the news stand will have it from New Statesman to Vogue, from History Today to The Guardian, all there, some with free trials before committing to subscriptions. It's a brave new world I want to explore, but know I'll still miss the smell of print.

iBooks

Books, books and then more books with clear pages that offer easy reading with the ability to increase the font and size of the page. As with other digital book providers, most of the classics are free. All best sellers are available and all seem reasonably priced.

Air

Yes, the word air is there for a reason and not purely to increase the word count. It's much lighter than its predecessors, although as this is my first one, it matters little.

And the rest...

The keyboard is easy to use, although I can't see my laptop becoming redundant any time soon. But I am slowly falling love with it. Will I reach the point where I cannot live without it. Yes, eventually. Will it replace books, and newspapers - no not just yet, but probably the end is nigh.

I know that androids are slowly catching up with the iPad, but seriously, it still has the lead over its competitors in terms of tablet ability.

So there we are, a whole new world in a metal rectangle of information, for me at least, the world of the tablet has finally reached me, pervaded my world and made me it's slave.

The Sea

A man walks into the sea, he sees the sea and the skyline, he does not look behind, for behind him is the past and home and all that reminds him of why he is here. He has decided to do this because there no more answers and no more solutions to what it is that ails him. Throwing himself into the arms of the sea will make everything better.

The sea is hypnotic in its greyness, the sound of the waves lapping against the shore, the white foam of the captive waves ready to embrace all misery, all sadness, and finalise all things. To give yourself into the arms of the sea, to open up your mind and your heart to its power. To relent, to release yourself finally.

The sound of the waves is deafening as he moves closer, deeper into the roar of the waves and the coldness of the water that gradually consuming his misery.