Sometimes, almost always, perhaps most of the
time then, I have to consistently remind myself that I'm good, that I can do
good things, that sometimes I can make a difference. If I don't, my whole self
is wrapped up in a constant state of misery, convinced that I really can't do
anything right at all, that I'm stupid, that I am fundamentally flawed - that
I'm incapable of receiving and giving love, that I am strange and bad.
I am a hopeless failure, a weirdo.
Too sensitive, too fragile to live. Every
slight, every criticism is like a knife wound, every wronged word is burned
into my skin. I'm fragile and incompetent, stupid and absurd. Every mistake
proves me right. I am constantly at loggerheads with the bad and the good
within me, with the bad always winning by a nose, ready to punish, ready to
convince me of my inadequacy.
It is a dark hole to fall down for which
there is no way out if I fall too far. A barren place where there is no
forgiveness and no light. I have consistently fought my way out only to be
drawn back in, but I have never allowed myself to go further than the first few
steps into this darkness.
I cannot allow myself to be consumed by the
negative, overwhelmed by my mistakes. Only focusing on the positive can save
me, what little there is. I must believe that I am worth something to the world
- that I am worth saving.
I am constantly at war with myself, fighting
the darkness within me, a battle which I know I cannot win in the long run, but
a fight that I shall win today, a battle I always insist on fighting alone. To
walk in the light is to believe in myself once more.
It is a barren, cruel world - that darkness,
full of self-pity and deep reflection, a place where old wounds are picked
until they fester, and I am at my cruelest, taunting my inner self with my
faults and errors, incapable of forgiveness. Sickening, vomit inducing,
negative loving narcissism at its worst. Rolling around in the shit of my own
personal hell. Bad memories and treasured miseries hang like grinning masks
above me, there for me to play, touch and feel with at my leisure.
No compliments can comfort me; no words of
kindness can cure me. Demonstrations of affection disgust me, cloying tenderness
sickens me, no matter how well intended. I hate myself, and so must you, you
must stand alongside me and see the cancer of my soul and despise the badness
too, to be repulsed as I am by my own weakness and ineptitude.
You must be able to see this weakness; you
must be able to see my talentless inadequacy. You must be able to see it,
smell it and feel it and be disgusted by it, for I can feel it in your words
and in your eyes.
You stupid effing bitch
To save myself I must see the light, I must
see the good, the parts of me that are worth saving, my humour, my candour, my
strength and my stamina (of sorts). To climb out of that black hole and gather
my strength, for to stay too long in that cavernous opening I'm in danger of
being consumed further in. I must seek the light and the strength it brings. I
must be in the light and find happiness in the temporary ground I walk in.
Where there is negativity I must find the
positive, something solid in the temporary and something good in the bad.
"Nothing is built on stone; all is built
on sand, but we must build as if the sand was stone."
Jon Luis Burgers
There now - there's my stomach churning self-pity dealt with for another day.
