I search for exits, whenever I'm talking to you I'm searching for exits, an escape route. I need to be able make a run for it. At a party or in a bar I need to know where the door is, to feel the fresh air blow over me whenever the door is opened. Wherever you see me I'll be near a door and if I can't be near one I'll be searching for one, looking for an exit, a window or a door. I need to know that I can leave at a moment's notice, that I can leave whenever I feel I've had enough, without an announcement or an explanation. I can go out into the fresh air towards the light and into the road outside, and you'll have trouble remembering who I was.
Last night I dreamt I was searching for an exit at a party. There were people talking, but they didn't see me. I followed the route I suspected would lead to the way out. I walked along a hallway that led to a kitchen. To the left of the kitchen was a door that led outside. I stepped out of the door and suddenly I was on my parent's porch. I walked a few steps and I saw my father smoking a cigarette standing at the top of the steps that led to the garden. My heart was heavy with loss, I'd missed him so much. He was gazing into the middle distance up at what was left of Blackberry mountain. He turned and saw me coming and he smiled.
What was he trying to tell me?
